"Actually, I'm scared as hell."

[jetpack_monkey]

Mom came by to drop some stuff off, saw how out of it I was looking, and asked me how I was.

I think I must have cried for half an hour.


The fact of the matter is, I don't have a job, I've convinced myself that I'm the world's biggest hack writer, my mother is paying my bills, I haven't made any real friends who I didn't meet through my girlfriend... I sit in my apartment, playing video games and looking up inane shit on the Internet, anything to avoid looking at the mess my life has become. I never leave except to get the mail or go to class.

I hate my life. I hate who I've become. I hate that I essentially left Iowa to have the same damn problems with a significant temperature increase. Instead of cowering from the winter, I hide from the sun. I don't know how to meet new people. I don't know how to make friends. I'm not sure I'd want to if I knew how - these things tend to explode in my face.

The fact of the matter is, I'm depressed. Okay, no duh. But... I don't know. I never really dealt with it before. I've always passed it off - "It's a situational thing, it's not clinical." The situation is making me depressed. Once I'm out of the situation, I won't be depressed anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been situationally depressed for as far back as I can remember. If every situation I'm in depresses me, there's something wrong.

Mom's calling my ADD doctor tomorrow. She's previously recommended anti-depressants, which I turned down. I wasn't going to have my "creative genius" blunted by any medication, no sir.

Yeah, well, if I'm too depressed to write, then it can't exactly hurt, can it?

I'm going to get better. I'm going to get through this. Things have to work out, dammit. They have to.


In other news, is 25 dollars a day enough to eat on in San Diego?

Comments

[kitesareevil.livejournal.com]

I've been there, hell I'm there right now. Me? Just finished a crying fest over something. Though, you've got an actual reason to be depressed, the only thing I've got is my dad is an ass. Not much else. Just hang in there, we've both gotta just hang in there.

[kittycat22.livejournal.com]

All I can offer is *hugs.*

Oh, and I can say you won't starve in San Diego, dear. None of us would ever let that happen.

[mymzee.livejournal.com]

I'm going to get better. I'm going to get through this. Things have to work out, dammit. They have to.


That was all I needed to read, honestly. I was worried up to that point.

And believe it or not, the medication around is pretty damned good, right now. They don't just blanket your whole mind anymore, they fix the problem and usually that's all they do. So never fear for your substantial creativity. (typed with the most genuine belief in it.)

[cyperian.livejournal.com]

You're not a hack, my father pays mine, and it doesn't matter how you came by them - you made friends all the same. And I have always been a hermit, so when I move out there, we'll hermit together, kay?

I'm sorry that you are in a depression. Speaking as a voice of experience in this area? Medication helps. It's not as big of a deal as most people tend to think it is. Meds act as a catalyst - that's all. They help your depression/mood enough so that things don't seem quite so overwhelming, and that allows you to take it one problem at a time, and actually *deal* with the things that are making you depressed. You are a very independently minded person (one of the many qualities I adore about you), and as such I think it might be hard for you to ask for help/allow something to help you when you don't *direly* need it. But thinking about taking medication is not a sign of weakness - it's a way for you to whip your body into shape so that you can help yourself. It's a point of strength, and I'm proud of you for taking that step.

And things will work out positively for you. ^_^ You're just too damned innovative for them to work out any other way.

[qkellie.livejournal.com]

I'm staring at this comment box trying to think of something comforting and uplifting to say, to give you *hugs* and tell you I'm your friend, but you know all that. You know I care how you are. You know I understand depression. You know I don't think you're a hack, too.

So I'm not going to just repeat stuff to you that you already know. I'm just going to tell you that I'm glad your mom is calling your doctor, and I'm going to tell you that if you can manage to be able to pinpoint the problem (which sounds purely chemical, as in your soul isn't broken or something) then that's the first step toward feeling better.

I am always, ALWAYS in your corner. Don't forget that.

[ropa.livejournal.com]

I can certainly relate, and I wish there was some magic advice I could give that'll make sense or some personal experience that would help glean some clarity, but hey, depression has no rhyme or reason - that much I do know. I look back on my struggles and I've tried to figure out what exactly brought me out of it and the only thing I can tell you is I don't know. I've gone through stages of depression for the past 8 or 9 years, and the only thing I've learned for sure is that you can't make it go away - be it through drugs, positive thinking, sleep, whathaveyou.

With cancer, you have a root problem and then you have the symptoms that branch off of it. With a malignant brain tumor, you'll get headaches, nausea, loss of memory... The key is to remember that treating it symptomatically gets you nowhere - you can get Imitrex for the headaches, but that doesn't get rid of the tumor that is causing the headaches. You can take medication to ease the nausea, but again, what are you doing to kill that cancer that causes it all?

Depression is the same way - it has a root "cancer" that you need to find and work through. I do condone the use of drugs in the case of mental disorders - I myself am on meds for both ADD and a blanket cover-all for my plethora of Anxiety problems called Chronic Anxiety Disorder. But the only thing that helped me considerably was a good therapist. The meds complimented the process with my psychologist by clearing the fog of Obsessive/ Compulsive, but they by no means were what "fixed" me.

I'm not saying this is what you plan on doing, but BELIEVE ME, 90% of the time, people think that just meds are going to fix things. They will make you feel better (and unless you get on some really heavy, addictive narcotics like Xanex or Valium, you needn't worry about it stifling your creativity), but when you go off the drug, you haven't done anything to work out what caused the depression in the first place. As much as modern psychology is made fun of/ mocked in pop culture today, it works. And you don't even have to have a lot of money - I know plenty of people who have mentors who are just as good at helping sufferers through times like these, and don't charge $95 an hour.

Bottom line - you will get through this if you perservere. Depression is no match for hope and an open mind/ heart. And, while I have loved getting to know you, I have faith that you will make the kind of friends you desire and need. But until then, I'm happy to help fill that void when I can. I'd say I'm praying for you, but I know that creeps you out. :D So I won't say it, but let me just say my thoughts are with you.

[thevelvetdays.livejournal.com]

Let´s have a chat in San Diego.

I always bring poptarts to cons. Maybe I´ll share.