"Actually, I'm scared as hell."
Jul. 12th, 2004 10:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jetpack_monkeyMom came by to drop some stuff off, saw how out of it I was looking, and asked me how I was.
I think I must have cried for half an hour.
The fact of the matter is, I don't have a job, I've convinced myself that I'm the world's biggest hack writer, my mother is paying my bills, I haven't made any real friends who I didn't meet through my girlfriend... I sit in my apartment, playing video games and looking up inane shit on the Internet, anything to avoid looking at the mess my life has become. I never leave except to get the mail or go to class.
I hate my life. I hate who I've become. I hate that I essentially left Iowa to have the same damn problems with a significant temperature increase. Instead of cowering from the winter, I hide from the sun. I don't know how to meet new people. I don't know how to make friends. I'm not sure I'd want to if I knew how - these things tend to explode in my face.
The fact of the matter is, I'm depressed. Okay, no duh. But... I don't know. I never really dealt with it before. I've always passed it off - "It's a situational thing, it's not clinical." The situation is making me depressed. Once I'm out of the situation, I won't be depressed anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been situationally depressed for as far back as I can remember. If every situation I'm in depresses me, there's something wrong.
Mom's calling my ADD doctor tomorrow. She's previously recommended anti-depressants, which I turned down. I wasn't going to have my "creative genius" blunted by any medication, no sir.
Yeah, well, if I'm too depressed to write, then it can't exactly hurt, can it?
I'm going to get better. I'm going to get through this. Things have to work out, dammit. They have to.
In other news, is 25 dollars a day enough to eat on in San Diego?
I think I must have cried for half an hour.
The fact of the matter is, I don't have a job, I've convinced myself that I'm the world's biggest hack writer, my mother is paying my bills, I haven't made any real friends who I didn't meet through my girlfriend... I sit in my apartment, playing video games and looking up inane shit on the Internet, anything to avoid looking at the mess my life has become. I never leave except to get the mail or go to class.
I hate my life. I hate who I've become. I hate that I essentially left Iowa to have the same damn problems with a significant temperature increase. Instead of cowering from the winter, I hide from the sun. I don't know how to meet new people. I don't know how to make friends. I'm not sure I'd want to if I knew how - these things tend to explode in my face.
The fact of the matter is, I'm depressed. Okay, no duh. But... I don't know. I never really dealt with it before. I've always passed it off - "It's a situational thing, it's not clinical." The situation is making me depressed. Once I'm out of the situation, I won't be depressed anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been situationally depressed for as far back as I can remember. If every situation I'm in depresses me, there's something wrong.
Mom's calling my ADD doctor tomorrow. She's previously recommended anti-depressants, which I turned down. I wasn't going to have my "creative genius" blunted by any medication, no sir.
Yeah, well, if I'm too depressed to write, then it can't exactly hurt, can it?
I'm going to get better. I'm going to get through this. Things have to work out, dammit. They have to.
In other news, is 25 dollars a day enough to eat on in San Diego?
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-13 01:48 pm (UTC)I'm sorry that you are in a depression. Speaking as a voice of experience in this area? Medication helps. It's not as big of a deal as most people tend to think it is. Meds act as a catalyst - that's all. They help your depression/mood enough so that things don't seem quite so overwhelming, and that allows you to take it one problem at a time, and actually *deal* with the things that are making you depressed. You are a very independently minded person (one of the many qualities I adore about you), and as such I think it might be hard for you to ask for help/allow something to help you when you don't *direly* need it. But thinking about taking medication is not a sign of weakness - it's a way for you to whip your body into shape so that you can help yourself. It's a point of strength, and I'm proud of you for taking that step.
And things will work out positively for you. ^_^ You're just too damned innovative for them to work out any other way.