"Actually, I'm scared as hell."
Jul. 12th, 2004 10:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jetpack_monkeyMom came by to drop some stuff off, saw how out of it I was looking, and asked me how I was.
I think I must have cried for half an hour.
The fact of the matter is, I don't have a job, I've convinced myself that I'm the world's biggest hack writer, my mother is paying my bills, I haven't made any real friends who I didn't meet through my girlfriend... I sit in my apartment, playing video games and looking up inane shit on the Internet, anything to avoid looking at the mess my life has become. I never leave except to get the mail or go to class.
I hate my life. I hate who I've become. I hate that I essentially left Iowa to have the same damn problems with a significant temperature increase. Instead of cowering from the winter, I hide from the sun. I don't know how to meet new people. I don't know how to make friends. I'm not sure I'd want to if I knew how - these things tend to explode in my face.
The fact of the matter is, I'm depressed. Okay, no duh. But... I don't know. I never really dealt with it before. I've always passed it off - "It's a situational thing, it's not clinical." The situation is making me depressed. Once I'm out of the situation, I won't be depressed anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been situationally depressed for as far back as I can remember. If every situation I'm in depresses me, there's something wrong.
Mom's calling my ADD doctor tomorrow. She's previously recommended anti-depressants, which I turned down. I wasn't going to have my "creative genius" blunted by any medication, no sir.
Yeah, well, if I'm too depressed to write, then it can't exactly hurt, can it?
I'm going to get better. I'm going to get through this. Things have to work out, dammit. They have to.
In other news, is 25 dollars a day enough to eat on in San Diego?
I think I must have cried for half an hour.
The fact of the matter is, I don't have a job, I've convinced myself that I'm the world's biggest hack writer, my mother is paying my bills, I haven't made any real friends who I didn't meet through my girlfriend... I sit in my apartment, playing video games and looking up inane shit on the Internet, anything to avoid looking at the mess my life has become. I never leave except to get the mail or go to class.
I hate my life. I hate who I've become. I hate that I essentially left Iowa to have the same damn problems with a significant temperature increase. Instead of cowering from the winter, I hide from the sun. I don't know how to meet new people. I don't know how to make friends. I'm not sure I'd want to if I knew how - these things tend to explode in my face.
The fact of the matter is, I'm depressed. Okay, no duh. But... I don't know. I never really dealt with it before. I've always passed it off - "It's a situational thing, it's not clinical." The situation is making me depressed. Once I'm out of the situation, I won't be depressed anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been situationally depressed for as far back as I can remember. If every situation I'm in depresses me, there's something wrong.
Mom's calling my ADD doctor tomorrow. She's previously recommended anti-depressants, which I turned down. I wasn't going to have my "creative genius" blunted by any medication, no sir.
Yeah, well, if I'm too depressed to write, then it can't exactly hurt, can it?
I'm going to get better. I'm going to get through this. Things have to work out, dammit. They have to.
In other news, is 25 dollars a day enough to eat on in San Diego?
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-13 03:37 pm (UTC)With cancer, you have a root problem and then you have the symptoms that branch off of it. With a malignant brain tumor, you'll get headaches, nausea, loss of memory... The key is to remember that treating it symptomatically gets you nowhere - you can get Imitrex for the headaches, but that doesn't get rid of the tumor that is causing the headaches. You can take medication to ease the nausea, but again, what are you doing to kill that cancer that causes it all?
Depression is the same way - it has a root "cancer" that you need to find and work through. I do condone the use of drugs in the case of mental disorders - I myself am on meds for both ADD and a blanket cover-all for my plethora of Anxiety problems called Chronic Anxiety Disorder. But the only thing that helped me considerably was a good therapist. The meds complimented the process with my psychologist by clearing the fog of Obsessive/ Compulsive, but they by no means were what "fixed" me.
I'm not saying this is what you plan on doing, but BELIEVE ME, 90% of the time, people think that just meds are going to fix things. They will make you feel better (and unless you get on some really heavy, addictive narcotics like Xanex or Valium, you needn't worry about it stifling your creativity), but when you go off the drug, you haven't done anything to work out what caused the depression in the first place. As much as modern psychology is made fun of/ mocked in pop culture today, it works. And you don't even have to have a lot of money - I know plenty of people who have mentors who are just as good at helping sufferers through times like these, and don't charge $95 an hour.
Bottom line - you will get through this if you perservere. Depression is no match for hope and an open mind/ heart. And, while I have loved getting to know you, I have faith that you will make the kind of friends you desire and need. But until then, I'm happy to help fill that void when I can. I'd say I'm praying for you, but I know that creeps you out. :D So I won't say it, but let me just say my thoughts are with you.