Bad Movie Liveblogging: Boa vs. Python
Nov. 1st, 2008 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jetpack_monkeyI picked up Boa vs. Python at the grocery story for no discernible reason other than it was $10, has David Hewlett as the leading man, and its the film that gave rise to the equally large boa meme.
Now I'm in the midst of my annual Halloween Horror Marathon (my first by myself in many years) and it just seems appropriate to share the viewing experience. So here we go:
Menu: Already we're at the good stuff. Cheesy CGI and Hewlett sporting longish hair that, I think, is meant to indicate he's a badass. Also, everything is green and there are scaly bits at the top and bottom that undulate.
00:00:05 - I think these credits were done with some sort of consumer-level Adobe product by someone with little skill.
00:01:16 - And we start out with an unexplained shot of every major form of transportation. Truck, car, airplane.
00:01:53 - Apparently it has to do with some sort of "royal reptile rumble" in a boxing/wrestling ring.
00:02:21 - And in an unclever early twist "Boa" and "Python" are luchadores duking it out in Nevada. Haha, right?
00:04:30 - The cigar-smoking wrestling promoter is a dickish Brit. And kind of clearly the heavy. And apparently importing something large and angry. Could it be a Python or a Boa of enormous size?
00:06:36 - Oh noes, the big angry thing in the metal box is awake, even though it should still be asleep. The skeevy handlers are attempting to quiet it now. I assume they will be successful in their aim.
00:06:55 - The giant snake is escaping. I did not see this coming.
00:07:50 - The snake's escape is being cross-cut with the wrestling match. See, it's clever.
00:08:40 - GIANT EXPLOSION OF UNNECESSARINESS! WHEEEEEE!
00:09:00 - Broddick, the rich Brit, known as Brit-Dick from here on out, loves cigars and guns. And has his own jet. He's getting eaten.
00:09:57 - First boob shot. They certainly know how to play to their audience.
00:09:59 - Aaaand the girlfriend of Brit-Dick, the super-rich guy with his own jet, bathes with a giant yellow sponge, available at finer drugstores for 99 cents. Production values? What are those?
00:10:30 - Earlier, we saw Brit-Dick's girlfriend has a giant snake tattoo on her back. Now she says she hates snakes. Hates 'em. Say what?
00:11:35 - They really aren't shy about the nudity. Really not shy.
00:13:30 - The reporter's a dick. He's snake-food. Actually, everybody's a dick. And still no Hewlett.
00:14:55 - FBI's wandering around. I want to see their facility for housing boas for combating pythons.
00:16:14 - "What's that?" "A scale. I found it in the case." "That's a big scale." "It's a big case." Oh, movie. Your cleverness is so clever in the clever.
00:17:10 - Okay, help me out here. If two guys at an unspecified treatment plant of some kind are working, and one of them is being dragged away across a relatively open area by what I presume is a giant python, don't you think his co-worker would see said python and focus on it? Because this guy is just sort of staring at his rapidly moving friend in amazement, making no indication that there's, oh, a GIANT FUCKING PYTHON eating him.
00:17:38 - Haha, moron deputy just faceplanted in human remains. Comedy deluxe!
00:17:58 - "Looks like it's some kind of tranquilizer dart, but for what?" "I'm not sure yet, but whatever it is, it woke up."
00:19:00 - Infodump followed by gratuitous bikinis!
At this point, I ran to the fridge to grab some booze. Clearly I was going to need it.
00:20:05 - Is that David Boreanaz's wife?
00:22:42 - Why's the FBI agent working a GIANT EFFING SNAKE case bothering to
00:24:03 - Hewlett! He has arrived! To be slightly insulted in a classic gag. Or, usually classic.
00:24:35 - So apparently he's a leading herpetologist. Go him.
00:25:48 - Who developed the equally large boa. And wow, this is a fuckload of lab space.
00:27:40 - "Well, this is big. And big is nice."
00:28:00 - ...okay, this isn't working guys. It's clearly detoured into the land of fucking idiotic. Just take my word for it, it's the best movie ever. And by best, I mean worst.
Now I'm in the midst of my annual Halloween Horror Marathon (my first by myself in many years) and it just seems appropriate to share the viewing experience. So here we go:
Menu: Already we're at the good stuff. Cheesy CGI and Hewlett sporting longish hair that, I think, is meant to indicate he's a badass. Also, everything is green and there are scaly bits at the top and bottom that undulate.
00:00:05 - I think these credits were done with some sort of consumer-level Adobe product by someone with little skill.
00:01:16 - And we start out with an unexplained shot of every major form of transportation. Truck, car, airplane.
00:01:53 - Apparently it has to do with some sort of "royal reptile rumble" in a boxing/wrestling ring.
00:02:21 - And in an unclever early twist "Boa" and "Python" are luchadores duking it out in Nevada. Haha, right?
00:04:30 - The cigar-smoking wrestling promoter is a dickish Brit. And kind of clearly the heavy. And apparently importing something large and angry. Could it be a Python or a Boa of enormous size?
00:06:36 - Oh noes, the big angry thing in the metal box is awake, even though it should still be asleep. The skeevy handlers are attempting to quiet it now. I assume they will be successful in their aim.
00:06:55 - The giant snake is escaping. I did not see this coming.
00:07:50 - The snake's escape is being cross-cut with the wrestling match. See, it's clever.
00:08:40 - GIANT EXPLOSION OF UNNECESSARINESS! WHEEEEEE!
00:09:00 - Broddick, the rich Brit, known as Brit-Dick from here on out, loves cigars and guns. And has his own jet. He's getting eaten.
00:09:57 - First boob shot. They certainly know how to play to their audience.
00:09:59 - Aaaand the girlfriend of Brit-Dick, the super-rich guy with his own jet, bathes with a giant yellow sponge, available at finer drugstores for 99 cents. Production values? What are those?
00:10:30 - Earlier, we saw Brit-Dick's girlfriend has a giant snake tattoo on her back. Now she says she hates snakes. Hates 'em. Say what?
00:11:35 - They really aren't shy about the nudity. Really not shy.
00:13:30 - The reporter's a dick. He's snake-food. Actually, everybody's a dick. And still no Hewlett.
00:14:55 - FBI's wandering around. I want to see their facility for housing boas for combating pythons.
00:16:14 - "What's that?" "A scale. I found it in the case." "That's a big scale." "It's a big case." Oh, movie. Your cleverness is so clever in the clever.
00:17:10 - Okay, help me out here. If two guys at an unspecified treatment plant of some kind are working, and one of them is being dragged away across a relatively open area by what I presume is a giant python, don't you think his co-worker would see said python and focus on it? Because this guy is just sort of staring at his rapidly moving friend in amazement, making no indication that there's, oh, a GIANT FUCKING PYTHON eating him.
00:17:38 - Haha, moron deputy just faceplanted in human remains. Comedy deluxe!
00:17:58 - "Looks like it's some kind of tranquilizer dart, but for what?" "I'm not sure yet, but whatever it is, it woke up."
00:19:00 - Infodump followed by gratuitous bikinis!
At this point, I ran to the fridge to grab some booze. Clearly I was going to need it.
00:20:05 - Is that David Boreanaz's wife?
00:22:42 - Why's the FBI agent working a GIANT EFFING SNAKE case bothering to
00:24:03 - Hewlett! He has arrived! To be slightly insulted in a classic gag. Or, usually classic.
00:24:35 - So apparently he's a leading herpetologist. Go him.
00:25:48 - Who developed the equally large boa. And wow, this is a fuckload of lab space.
00:27:40 - "Well, this is big. And big is nice."
00:28:00 - ...okay, this isn't working guys. It's clearly detoured into the land of fucking idiotic. Just take my word for it, it's the best movie ever. And by best, I mean worst.
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-02 04:11 am (UTC)My then-roommate has still not forgiven me for paying two whole dollars for that movie and then forcing her to watch it.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-02 04:19 am (UTC)Equally large boa!