Rant #4: The World Hates The Tall Man

[jetpack_monkey]

hjcallipygian requests: How the world hates really tall people (subtitle: I am sick and fucking tired of hitting my head and shins on shit!).

One tall guy special, coming right up!


Warning: perspective switches more times than bad 3-D
Ever been on an airplane? Most of you have. Sat in one of those coach seats? Mm, not too comfy is it? Now, imagine that you're 6'7" and you're sitting in that seat. No, forget that, imagine that you're 6'7" and you're walking onto the plane. The door is about half your size and the interiors worse. You're lucky if you can stand without bending your neck 90 degrees, and even then, your head scrapes the needlessly carpeted ceiling, giving you static electricity hair.

Then you sit down. Didn't get exit row seating, did you? No, but the shitty little 5'11" person did, and they won't switch because they have issues with cramped spaces. Bitch, shut the fuck up. I am the cramped space if I get in one of those normal rows.

So, you contort your body so you can fit underneath the overhead luggage compartments. You couldn't possibly bend anymore, but then you see the mere two feet distance between the seat and the floor. So you twist and stretch and cram as much of your frame as you can into the meager space, jamming your knees up your nose just for a little extra room. If you're also a big person, forget it. Not happenin'. The airline hates you. Best shell out for that first class seat. Tonight's theme is "One Night in Paradise." Be sure to get a corsage for your date, and get the tux back before you forfeit your deposit.

So you're sitting in your coach seat. Well, sitting is a loose term for it. Sure, your butt is in the floatable bucket seat and your feet are on the floor, but everything else is a mockery of actual repose. There's not a person more uncomfortable than you. Sure, Kareem Abdul-Jabaar is on board, but he's in the cockpit with Peter Graves, eating the fish dinner.

Before you think it couldn't get worse, just take a second to look at the person in front of you. Note the bald head, dress shirt with no jacket. That's right. It's a relaxer. And he's going to put his seat back in 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - ow. Don't bother asking him to have a little common courtesy and sit upright. He's already sound asleep. You'll be lucky if he wakes up in time for the ritual putting up of the seat during landing.

That's not all. Ever been in a basement of an older home? Low ceiliings to start with, but then there's all that piping that the house was never built to really have, so it all has to be installed a little low. Which is fine for "normal" people, but as a tall person, expect to cultivate a fine collection of lumps, bumps, and bruises. You might even get a little blood out of the deal if you're supremely distracted.

Cabinets hang low so that the shortys can have access to their canned goods without strain. This causes a two problems. First, a tall person has to fold themselves in half just to use the damn counter. Second, when they unfold, they'll invariably smack their head against those low-hanging cabinets. No regard for the tall man. Shit.

You're alone on the shins, though, HJ. I just catch my feet a lot.

On an unrelated note, I've started a side project of writing "Josie and the Pussycats" movie-verse fanfic. I'm a sick man and I need help.

Comments

[jetpack-monkey.livejournal.com]

The concept of a bitter and washed-up Josie drinking liquor and smoking cigarettes at a Vegas bar, drinking her sorrows away between performances with the all-new Pussycats as a whatever-happened-to act, and missing lost love Val.

It was too good to pass up.

[qkellie.livejournal.com]

Huh. Wow. Okay. That's no weirder than my "Alias"/"One Day at a Time" crossover idea, then.

[jetpack-monkey.livejournal.com]

Nope. Hey, here's from the guy who re-envision The Ghost and Mrs. Muir as starring William. The man who's writing the Ultimate Parker&Tucker Fic (indeed, the only Parker&Tucker fic). I'm allowed weird.

I'm trying to expand my fic writing and that was the first thing that really hit me.