jetpack_monkey | Where Does This Crap Come From?

I love my brain to death. If I remember this post next year, we're going to have brand-new Easter sacrilege. Jesus Christ meets Dirty Harry.

(Open on JESUS, long hair and beard, in blue "beat cop" uniform, loading and holstering a handgun)

TRAILER VOICE: He was a good cop in a city gone bad.
(Shot of Jesus kneeling over gunshot victim)

JESUS: It's okay, I'm here. (Lays hands and heals victim) Now to get the bastard who did this to you. (Jesus looks pissed)

(Jesus chases after PUNK, through suburban backyard. Punk has to go around swimming pool. Jesus walks across the water. Punk climbs fence and is cornered in the alley, pulls gun and points it at Jesus)

PUNK: You'll never take me in!

JESUS: It's okay, my son. I forgive you.

(Punk is about to pull trigger when Jesus shoots him in the shoulder)

JESUS: The law doesn't.

TRAILER VOICE: But he's pissed off the wrong people.

(locker room in police headquarters)

JUDAS: (in beat cop uniform) Jesus, you have to fall in line or I can't be responsible for what happens!

JESUS: Judas, you're my partner! I thought you'd understand. I've been sent here to clean up this city. It's important to my father and it's important to me! (shakes head) You coming to the police dinner tonight?

(an office)

CAIAPHAS: (dressed in pinstripe suit) This Officer Jesus is dangerous to my interests (turns to man seated behind desk, identified by placard as "Mayor Pilate"). What are you gonna do about it?

PILATE: I know just the man for the job. (tosses bag of silver to Judas) Make sure tonight's supper is Jesus's last.

(alleyway, Judas pushes Jesus down)

JESUS: Judas... what's going on?

JUDAS: (pulls gun)

JESUS: Judas, no!

JUDAS: (shoots Jesus)

(later, the ambulance has arrived. Jesus is lifted onto the gurney with his arms outspread. Music slows. Latin chanting)

(inside the morgue, camera moves over Jesus's body until - pow - his eyes open)

(later, MORGUE ATTENDANT and Judas stand over empty gurney)

MORGUE ATTENDANT: He's just... vanished.

JUDAS: Find him!

JESUS: (appears out of freaking nowhere and grabs Judas by the throat) Blessed are the pissed off, because they're going to kick your ass.

TRAILER VOICE: This Spring...

(Jesus hangs Judas off the side of building by a rope around the neck)

JESUS: Who are you working for?!

TRAILER VOICE: Jesus is back!

(Jesus busts through door and fires two guns whilst jumping through the air)

TRAILER VOICE: And they'll die for their sins.

(Jesus mows down thugs with machine gun)

MAYOR PILATE: Send in... the Legion.

(Jesus runs from dozens of Roman Legion troops in SWAT uniforms and Roman helmets)

(A seedy motel room. Jesus praying)

JESUS: Father, I need help.

GOD: I'm here, son.

(Jesus turns around and there's GOD with an AK-47)

GOD: Let's smite some motherfuckers.

(God and Jesus high-five)

(title appears as Trailer Voice speaks it)

TRAILER VOICE: Jesus Chris IS Jesus Christ in MASSACRE ON THE MOUNT.

(various other credits appear)

TRAILER VOICE: Opens Good Friday.