When change is not a change, except for the difference

[jetpack_monkey]

So I've been a terrible DW/LJ person lately. Sorry about that. I've tried to start a few entries, but they were quickly nixed because I either didn't have a lot to say or I was just whining about crap.

Today I kind of want to document my experiences with something that both affects me and has no bearing on reality (beyond what has always been true).

Recently, my spouse echan  came out as gender-neutral. I haven't talked about it a lot here because, A) I haven't been talking about anything and B) it's a complete non-issue and issue wrapped into a paradox ball.

It's mostly in the language, honestly. I don't have a wife, I have a spouse. It's "ze" not "she", "zir" not "her", etc. I'm better at rejiggering my nouns than my pronouns. Still, there are times when my sentences end rather lamely when I found that they were driving towards a gender-specific term like "girl" or "lady" (and the sentences really don't work with "person" instead -- this whole thing has been a grand lesson in how unconsciously I use language to sort out gender-specific sorts of phrasings). Also, lots of epic backtracking after letting slip the dogs of gender-specific speech.

I find that some part of me -- some very stupid part of me -- is a little put out by the fact that I'm not paired with a woman anymore. I think this is the part that's still damaged by all the gay-bashing I received in high school when I wasn't gay*. I am not proud of this part of my reaction. I simply note it because I'm trying to be honest about this experience.

I am, however, paired with an Echan and that's ultimately the most important thing to me. I'm actually a little surprised about how much zir coming out doesn't actually matter, except as far as I'm happy ze's found a way of self-identifying that ze is pleased with. Is ze the person I fell in love with? Yes. Has anything fundamentally changed about zir? No. Ze's exactly the same person I married, has all the qualities I fell in love with (and the ones that I find occasionally annoying).  I find zir just as attractive and ze still thinks I'm hot.

When Echan woke me up to come out to me, I poked my head up and said, roughly, "Not really surprised. Still my Echan." This is the truest part of the experience. Echan is as Echan always was. Ze's just putting a name to it now.

* After Echan came out, I did have a little internal discussion about my sexuality and found that I actually didn't give a fuck who I was attracted to (male, female, neither or both) beyond Echan. So that was interesting.

Comments

[diannelamerc.livejournal.com]

I am also crap at the pronouns... I think partly because just as I hit college there was big wave of attention on lots of different attempts at de-gendering language in general in a similar way, and most of it was roundly mocked (and often rightly so, IMNSHO) for being silly and true overkill.

Which is not to say I think echan's use is silly at all--I just always hesitate on the pronouns because they were used--and mocked--as silly in my past in a different context, so I'm self-conscious about using them.

Also, I just forget a lot.

Also, also, I find I just use zer name (some variant of it) instead of pronouns. Mostly because I'm better at actually doing it that way.

[thebratqueen.livejournal.com]

It really is amazing how often gender comes up in language. Like you say, you don't think about it until, well, you have to think about it.

What is awesome is how you and echan have the kind of partnership shere ze knows ze can come out to you and you are still loving and supportive.

[airawyn.livejournal.com]

I think it's awesome you guys have each other. :)

I think gender-neutral pronouns are pretty fun, but that's mainly because I like words. It seems like "they" gets used more and more often as a third person singular pronoun (now Google's doing it (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/faster-forward/post/google-plus-makes-gender-a-private-matter/2011/07/13/gIQAv4PPCI_blog.html)) and I wouldn't be surprised if it became officially correct at some point. (I find "it" to be very depersonalizing and humiliating, probably because it was intentionally used by other kids to depersonalize and humiliate me as a child. It wasn't even a gender identification insult (I was kind of a girly-girl), just something they settled on as sufficiently insulting.)

[qkellie.livejournal.com]

Well, kudos on echan feeling happy and confident enough to come out. You're an awesome spouse, I'm sure. :)

One gender-neutral pronoun that's popular in academia is "hu." You'd then say "hus" for possessive, "huself," etc. I've heard it pronounced a variety of ways, including like the name "Hugh" but also like the sound an owl makes. The reason I like that one is because it doesn't even sound like a variant on him/her/he/she, but obviously echan should get to decide what to go by.

If you think English is gendered, though, obviously the Romance languages are worse. All those gendered nouns! Ugh.

[jetpack-monkey.livejournal.com]

That's the thing I'm running into now. I have long considered myself a sensitive new age guy, but this is making me seriously examine my, for want of a better term, male privilege.

It's been very revealing.